With a Sense of Poise and Rationality

Monday, September 20, 2010 || 12:29 AM

Finally got a charger... that sort of, kind of, might have broken a little bit upon my using it ( wtf? ), but is still functional. I just have to be extra careful.

We spent Mexico's Independence Day in Sta. Maria with the family. I really want to take pictures next time we go. It's just beautiful now that my uncle has added a couple more lots of land, so that it's just this really big paradiso.

School is killing me, of course. That damn Methodology class is riding my ass like nobody's business, but I'm determined to see it through. It'll do wonders in terms of fieldwork, which is part of what I want to do, aside from the whole desk-sexology-shrink bit.

Anxiety has also been killing me. I haven't had a depressive episode in ages, thank goodness. I've been a good little nymphet, and taken my medication and what have you, and I no longer have depressive episodes. Now it's anxiety (which is common in BP cases, or so I've read). So I reluctantly made an appointment for Wednesday, after ages of putting it off, trying anything and everything to handle it (as usual) until finally settling to go to the doctor.

I'm personally hoping for something that won't sedate me like last time.

We have 3 weddings to attend this next month. Again, life in the city is infinitely different (read: socialite-based) from what I'm used to, but I've adjusted.

I'm about re-done with =BloodyCrimes's picture (when I deleted things and passed them into disks to make room, it got killed D: ) so it should be done by Sunday.

We saw 'Vampires Suck', and it was impossibly hilarious. I would have loved for them to have made a Vampire Chronicles reference, but at the same time, it was good enough for them to rake Twilight, Vampire Diaries, etc. through the coals. I watched it with my cousins, and they sort of did not get it. It was funny, sure enough, but you had to be part of the Anti-Twilight movement, and had to suffer through all those years of praise for that novel and the perverting (and not even in a good way) of the vampire, in order to find it hilarious.

Finished 'Lestat', moving on to 'Queen of the Damned', listening to it on my free time or as I work.

It was in this month of September a year ago that a falling out took place, and it was not too long ago that yet another followed. I came across a quote that encompasses it perfectly:

“In the end we are all separate: our stories, no matter how similar, come to a fork and diverge. We are drawn to each other because of our similarities, but it is our differences we must learn to respect.”

And the funny thing is that there is no anger, no resentment, no ill wills or ill thoughts. I elaborate on it, because it's a considerable change from how I used to view things 2-3 years ago with a former inamorato. All that exhausting rage, conjuring up every little offense, wallowing in a constant state of emotional masochism.

Those 2 years of senseless masochism taught me a single thing: The only person suffering, was myself. I was hurting myself, while the source of my misery stood completely oblivious. I clung to that suffering as though it meant something, when it meant absolutely nothing-- what was I gaining from suffering? Would it gain me a reconciliation? Would it be a source of comfort or gratification in some way? I wasn't benefiting from it, it was of no consequence to him. So what was I gaining?

Absolutely nothing.

And that's my philosophy about suffering; yes, there ought to be a time-frame allowed to mourn the loss, but anything else is emotional masochism.

If your own suffering will somehow benefit you, then go ahead, suffer. Byron said that to be a poet, one had to be either in love, or miserable. Given he was done with love, he went for the latter. All of the romantics did. Sensation, even if in the form of pain, was better than feeling nothing at all, it was a sign of being alive. If one can attribute some convenient meaning to one's suffering, then it's one's choice to make a hell out of one's own heaven... but at least make something productive out of it.

It's so exhaustingly boring to hold a grudge. And there comes a point where one gets bored with complaining all the time, and of blaming everyone else for one's misfortunes.

Probably the greatest thing I learned after that first fall out, was self-sufficiency. Up to that point I'd been so disgustingly codependent, I was repulsed at my own clingy nature. To depend on another's affection and attention so desperately is setting one's self for disappointment. One's happiness is not the duty of another. It's flirting with disaster going into a relationship expecting someone else to make you happy. It's emotional vampirism, leeching off the energy of another. It's a set up for disaster.

You have to be a content, self-sufficient, emotionally healthy individual before you can enter any sort of meaningful relationship, or it will cost you those who are dearest to you. Which is what essentially happened, and the reason I sought to shed those codependent tendencies.

A year after, 2 fall outs, and I'm impossibly happy with who I am. I have a purpose, I do what I love, I love what I do, I'm stable, I'm content, I have no close friends bordering on emotional affairs, and I don't feel empty. I don't feel that void I used to feel when I was codependent. This desperate need for someone to validate my existence, and to make happy. I don't feel any of it.

The friends I loved, and still love, and regretfully lost are still a part of my life, even if only in memory, and they're always pleasant memories.

The thing I derive comfort from whenever I have half a mind to doubt myself and renew contact is what Basil said in Dorian Gray, about the beauty about the past being that it's the past, and that some things are more precious because they don't last.

That's what was so precious about those years-- the fact that they ended. If they'd kept going, the portrait of them would have been marred.

I'm not the person I used to be a year ago. Not by any stretch of the imagination. And more changes had been taking place since this most recent fall out. And so, with that in mind, I realize the people I loved were not the people I parted ways with.

I parted ways with people going through their own changes, and those changes were incompatible with my own. And so, even if contact were to be renewed with any of my lost loves, it would never be the same as two years ago, therefore, there is no real point.

In the words of Liza Minnelli-- It was a grand affair, but now it's over.

And I rambled on more than I should have considering I have to meet my team to do some field work at a school for the blind.