Being kept on a leash isn’t one of the best feelings in this world, and lately, I’ve been feeling the tight grip it has on me more keenly.

In a way, there is a lot of confusion going on, as seen last week, when I went to watch Black Swan with a classmate. Protocol somehow demanded I call my mother, then ask my aunt or uncle for permission, then go.

It sort of took me off guard, because in the year I’ve lived in this house I’ve never asked for permissions. I spent all of last semester off at gay bars and house parties just by… going to them. As long as I had a ride back, and didn’t come home too late, nobody really cared.

Yes, there was a ridiculous amount of lying, but that’s kind of just second nature. Minimizing, selective truths and the like were necessary. I eventually let my mother know what I was doing, since it was for my final grade, and yes, she was uncomfortable with it, but even she insisted I lie about what I was doing, since there would be no way in hell my other relatives would condone anything.

For a rather long while, now, I’ve never been one to ask for permission, mainly because if I ask whether or not I’m allowed to go somewhere, the reply I’ll more than likely get, is no, because parents would rather you just stay locked up at home away from the big bad world, and just… be safe in the confines of your room.

Or Sta. Maria, as is the case now. So much easier to keep track of everyone, when they’re confined to a closed off territory.

Instead, I noticed that if I simply said ‘By the way, I’m going to Susan’s. We’re just hanging out, I’ve got my cell. Be back by 10’, and just leave (because if I depend on the parentals for a ride, I’m risking rejection), there’s really nothing anyone can say, or bother to say.

So suddenly it turned into such a big deal that a classmate I’m not close with is taking me to the movies, that protocol demands he meet the family, and he goes through the usual background check and the like.

The poor boy is so freaked out about meeting my aunt and uncle tomorrow, he kept over thinking what to wear, what to say, what to everything, just to give a good impression.

Keeping in mind this is just a classmate.

Not some guy I’m introducing to the family because we’re seriously dating, you understand, but just a classmate.

And this is why I don’t date, and why when I was with the first boyfriend, it was all under the table.

Because my family is just way too old-fashioned, to the point of intimidation.

Then I get lectured by my father on the phone over how it’s not proper to sit in a car for an hour, outside of the house, talking to that boy.

Given the very uncomfortable circumstances, it was the most appropriate, and respectful thing I could do, really.

I’m not going to invite a male classmate to a house that is not my own, invite him to the living room, and just talk for a couple hours, without ‘supervision’, and all the other conservative social conventions, this family’s protocol demands.

Because I’m not in my own house, I understand I have to abide by the house rules.

Still, when my father begins to lecture me about boys and what a ‘lady’ does or doesn’t do, and just… goes into some speech about what good girls do, it really pushes a button, because it’s an insult to both my intelligence, and theirs.

What I find ridiculous is this idea that by exercising that kind of control, they fall under this false notion of security.

It’s a blatant insult to my intelligence, because the sheer assumption that I need to be lectured about how to deal with men and relationships, implies they’re under the notion I’m an idiot. That I don’t know what I’m doing, and that I don’t understand how to act on what’s in my best interests.

And it does piss me off, because if there’s one thing I’ve made a point of showing, is that I don’t do anything out of stupidity. Even my most impulsive actions, have a method to their madness. Nothing I ever do is reckless. Ever. It’s not in my best interest.

So when I’m suddenly being told off as to how to men think, and lectured as how to women ought to behave, and then suddenly dumped with all these rules and protocols which in essence are just counter productive because they encourage lying, it’s suffocating, and all I get, is reinforcement to the notion that finding myself backed against a wall, it’s not even justifiable, but rather a necessity to do everything under the table, if I ever expect to experience any sense of freedom.

And so I have to bite my tongue, and nod, and make a point of not lashing out, out of being insulted (which is very hard), because I do have to abide by the rules, or at least pretend to.

Better to lie and lie well, let them fall under the notion that they’re in control by establishing limits, and having me clash with them every once in a while, then submit to them, to assert their dominance, and just keep doing everything under the table.

Regardless of anything, next semester things will differ, and I’ll have to have a very serious conversation with the parentals, because I’m still bitter over that blatant attack to my ego.

It sends mixed messages when they’re suddenly pushing you towards this sudden independence (which I’d been prying from their stubborn hands for years), constantly insisting ‘Your life, your choices’, then suddenly ‘Oh, but you have to abide by these rules, because they make me feel safe, by making me think I have some control, because if anything happens to you, I’ll never be able to forgive myself, so it’s easier to keep that erratic leash so I can say ‘at least I didn’t just throw her to the wolves’.’

News flash: If by the age of 21, you don’t feel secure about what your parenting’s done to your child, despite your child proving herself over and over not to be a failure at life, then there’s some issues letting go there which need to be addressed.

End rant.