… ‘If I Only were a Goth’ by Voltaire just came on. I like Voltaire. I find his music very amusing. Especially ‘The Headless Waltz’ And it reminds me of the good old days when I was one of those little baby bats.

I think I still have my beautiful lace chokers with the crosses and the little bats on them somewhere back home. That’s also when I may have acquired my first pair of black leather boots by stealing my mother’s pair from the closet. They weren’t even her thing, so it was ok.

That was also when I developed a fetish for pantyhose and stockings, if I recall correctly.

And that’s also when I was developing Augusta. It’s really amusing to me how I’ll develop a very specific character, and in a way, I’m honing and developing a very specific side of myself. If you put all the characters together, you get me.

You split them apart, and deal with them separately, and they’re just very specific sides of who I am. Exaggerated and romanticized, maybe even idealized, but very crucial sides of what makes me, me.

I might not have been allowed to wear much of the outfits, but I remained true to the subculture ideology. I really identified with it.

One of the lovely things of no longer being anyone’s dress-up doll, is that I can make the choice of no longer wearing pink polo shirts or other really preppy girly things my dear mother loved to dress me in (she purchased the clothes, so it was her prerogative… and I didn’t really care. Whenever we went shopping for clothes, I’d just go buy books instead. Never felt comfortable wearing pink, though).

Out of all the phases I’ve gone through (which have not been many, really), that’s the one that has stuck the most in terms of what’s shaped my personality. It used to be a bigger part, but as with everything else, it’s just a facet of what I am, not who I am.

In terms of characters, I think I have them pretty well nailed down:

Samantha— Hardcore Existentialist (part of my life-philosophy)

Jules— Hedonist Extraordinaire (she’s in charge of manic episodes, my switch nature, a very large part of my life-philosophy, and all the sexy stuff)

Victoria— Romantic Dreamer (the more…romantic girly side all the others smother)

Augusta—Gothic Cynic (the default, darker mind frame)

Sebastian/Cassian(?)— Playful Sadists (Sebastian is in charge of my overall meanness… and Cass is just very mean to me in general)

Jeff, Delilah, Medora— Potential Submissive D/s Temperament (kinda hard to bring out, but it’s there), and Masochistic Inclinations.

Jan— Melancholically Romantic (depressive episodes)

Francis/Alastair— Recklessly Impulsive (passionate manic side the others keep in check)

Charles/Rebecca— Predominantly Dominant Temperament, and Potential Sex Therapist

Valentina— Emotionally Self-Destructive Nhilist (haven’t heard from her in years)

The ones who have been hanging about a lot and who seldom ever leave me are Jules (who has become pretty much a permanent resident, given how much she thrives in the environment I currently live in) and Sebastian (who amuses himself by using me as a source of entertainment).

Cass used to hang out a lot and do pretty much what Sebastian did, except he wasn’t as mean, and he kind of did it for my own good to bring me out of stuff, but he hasn’t been around lately. Mainly because Sebastian is, and the two can’t be in the same room together for too long before arguments ensue.

Normally I would feel like I was going out of my mind, dealing with self-aware entities in my head, but seeing as how all my close writing friends have them and deal with the same thing, I’m just going to say it’s a writer thing.

Not a dull moment in my head, that’s for sure.

My mind is a freaking three-ring circus of unpredictability.

Not gonna lie, though. I wouldn’t have it any other way.