In that one class that feels like therapy, we discussed leadership and the like, and I found myself reacting in a very peculiar manner whenever the teacher kept pressing about personal experiences regarding being a leader or being in control.

Both my personality type and my counter-dependence give me a heavy inclination to be in charge.

Couple that with the ‘you need to be an alpha dog’ mentality my father drilled into my head at a very young age, and you get someone raised with an apprehensive distaste for submitting in any way shape or form. That includes the ever so predictable rebellion against any figure of authority, and just generally anyone posing any sort of threat to my sense of control.

Through the years, I began to learn how to pick my battles in terms of what is most convenient, and the path of least resistance, at the expense of the short-term humiliation of bottoming to someone else’s command.

I have some sort of independence complex, which stems from my counter-dependence, and that refusal to depend on anyone for anything. That makes it extremely difficult for me to yield control, and more often than not, gets me into needless trouble, because I end up biting off more than I can chew.

This comes up the most in group-projects. I always end up doing everything myself because I don’t trust anyone to do it as well as I can do it, and if something goes wrong, it’s easier for me to cope with the fact that something went wrong due to things being my fault, rather than someone else’s.

One of my New Years resolutions was to start giving up control for the sake of practicality, especially in terms of academia. If I carry all that weight on my shoulders, I’m bound to collapse, whereas if I distribute it, I’m bound to resist a bit longer without a breakdown.

In most of my relationships I’ve been the one in control, and it’s gotten to the point where I’m completely and utterly bored with it. I don’t like being in control anymore. I’m tired of it. Sick of it, even.

And so it’s such a deviation from normal for me to give up control, that I find it kind of kinky. It’s one of those things one eroticizes, because it seems so out there— like in my case, sleeping with a guy. It’s such a deviation from what I find normal, that that in itself is something strange and inexplicably kinky.

I’m a terrible submissive, except when it comes to two people (one, now that the other one’s gone) to whom I bottom gladly.

In any area, I can only obey orders on my own terms, and even then, it’s only done in this ‘I’m only giving up control, because it’ll benefit me in the long run, not because you deserve it.’

One of my New Years resolutions was to work at yielding control. I still face that instinctive resistance every time I find myself in a situation where temperaments clash. Depending on the situation, I will either let it go, or go out of my way, fight tooth and nail to prove a point, even if it means I’m more than likely digging my own grave.

These constant clashes of will at school have served as good practice.

Now I just need to translate that to my personal relationships. I still find myself inevitably attracted to the submissive type, simply because it means I won’t have to yield control, but as I recently found out, the power struggle is the thing that gets me going. I've kind of been ruined that way.

It’s not like I can very well go back to the days where it could be a 50/50 power exchange, where I was 100% dominant, and my partners 100% submissive. That only caters to a small fraction of my needs. The greater part being met through someone on equal footing where consensual power struggle is bound to ensue.

For whatever reason (being burnt out?), I feel like submitting, even if it's one reluctant struggle after the other. All part of being a switch in every aspect, I suppose.

I kind of really hate that damn binary nature of mine. It means I’ll never be fully satisfied, sacrificing the ‘less important’, though still significant needs, over the major ones.

Still, I'm reminded of what a writer friend once told me:

Even with wolves, the alpha female will only submit to the alpha male. No one else.