Jealousy is a bitch. It’s right up there with Depression, Despair, Anxiety and Distress, in my list of Most Hated Emotions.

I don’t know whether I am a very jealous person or not.

I’m going to say I have the potential for being moderately jealous, with the foundation of that jealousy, being a sense of possession.

Jealousy is normal, and there’s no way around feeling it. The rule is, however, that while it’s ok to feel jealous, it’s not ok to be an idiot about it.

And what’s even worse, is to blame the other person for it.

You never say ‘You’re making me jealous’. You don’t just put the blame on Maime just like that.

It’s a completely personal reaction, triggered by personal fears and unresolved issues, and should be taken care of personally, and perhaps with the help and support of the other person.

The pattern I’ve noticed in myself, is that my triggers are replacement, and fear-of-abandonment- related.

It’s always this petty, childish ‘But I’m supposed to be more special than they are’ feeling.

Not the most convenient feeling for poly, but a manageable one at that.

I’ve already dealt with my demons, and have a rather sober, cynical attitude about replacement and fear of abandonment.

People meet, people part. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Still, the impulse is there, and I have to deal with it.

When it’s something small, I simply talk myself out of it. I remind myself of the reality of things, as cruel and harsh as it is, which allows me to detach a bit.

It’s hard, but not as hard as having to vocalize it to the other person, and ask them for whatever it is you need to appease that thing gnawing at your core.

In my case, it’s reassurance.

I have my childish little girl moments, where I need to be pet and stroked and cuddled and told I’m loved and that it’s ok. It’s always just a matter of reinforcing that foundation of friendship, acknowledging what I consider to be my ‘embarrassing’ circumstance and just loving on me a little more for the short duration of that childish little episode.

I’ll randomly pretend that I’m jealous, or indulge in petty jealousy in a very childish way among friends, but that’s more out of a need for attention and affection, than a fear of anything else.

It’s all fun and games to get more physical affection, not the horrible pang of genuine jealousy a la Roxanne, in Moulin Rouge, where you have obsessive thoughts eating at you and it really does become this corrosive thing that interferes with your functionality.

I’ve noticed I need both verbal and tangible reassurance to those very personal insecurities that trigger my sense of jealousy. Spending a bit more quality time with me, being told that it’s ok, that I’m loved, and just increasing the level of physical affection and communication tends to do it in extreme cases.

I revert to being such a little girl when I get jealous.

Not in the capricious, tantrum-throwing way, but in a more ‘I’m feeling vulnerable and helpless and I need you to hug me and stroke my hair and tell me you love me’ sort of way.

What annoys me is how we romanticize jealousy, how society treasures it like it’s the key way to prove someone cares about you.

I remember with the First Girl, she would get insanely jealous over my attachments with other friends, to the point where I distinctly remember her saying “I’m a jealous bitch, ok?”

And I always processed that as “Yeah, ok. It just means she cares that much for me. Which by the looks of it, must be a whole hell of a lot, if I’m getting that kind of reaction.”

Bad choice of interpretation.

From what I understand, the brain interprets abandonment as death, so this very primal fear triggers a bunch of insane stuff that makes people behave like idiots. Which is great for romantic comedies and dramas, but not for real life, and the pursuit of functional relationships.

Knowing yourself and what you need is key, I think.

If you can verbalize the fact that you’re undergoing a fit of jealousy, and ask for what it is you need to soothe it, rather than expect the other person to read your mind, things out to run more smoothly than if you villains the other person, and try to change their behavior, rather than yours.

I’ve never dealt with jealous boyfriends, or boyfriends who openly expressed their jealousy. Mainly because the first one was a saint, and the second one would somehow sink into this low self-esteem episode that turned into passive-aggression and suddenly the issue wasn’t so much jealousy, but rather how he channeled it.

Chicks on the other hand? There’s a lot of potential for disaster there. I have no clue what it is with us if we don’t keep it in check. Reminds me of that episode in Pet Shop of Horrors, with the mermaid.

I used to be the insanely jealous type when I was little until I got bored with it, since it got me nowhere, and the only person getting hurt was myself. Now, I make a point of keeping it in check and getting to the source of the issue, and… you know, well as dealing with it.

I’ve had very unpleasant experiences with jealous women.

The last one being one of the more…not crushing, but rather, disappointing ones, since in that relationship, I was on the rebound from an intense emotional attachment with a very jealous and possessive person, and I’d made a point of doing everything I didn’t do right in the last toxic relationship.

That is to say, a very strict open communication policy and the like, and I was under the assumption that the girl and I were on the same wavelength regarding that hard limit, but by the time everything unraveled into chaos, I was informed of a bunch of stuff regarding repressed jealousy towards my best friend, jealousy towards my secondary, and just a bunch of stuff that in the end made me question everything, given this ‘Oh, yes, I’m totally on board with this’ and pretending to do the work… when in fact the lines of communication were censored and just generally flawed.

There’s always next time.