Good lord, life has been hectic. Just to recap very briefly, as I just got back from a concert, and have to go through the whole ‘putting my face to bed’ routine, and …who am I kidding, I’m not even going to bother getting started on all the stuff I have to turn in tomorrow.

In the words of the wonderful Jim Morrison, “No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn.” At this point, I’ve fully done the 180 degree shift between Sammy to Jules. I’m not letting academia interfere with my social life. And by social life, I simply mean, interfere from seizing the day going for extracurricular pursuits.

Went to the doctor, and a very peculiar thing happened. I didn’t sleep a wink the night before, and failed the test I had that morning, so going in a couple hours after, I was under the impression I would break down inevitably.

Ironically, I was received in such a way, that it immediately lifted my spirits, and the session was full of sardonic laughter and a feigned sense of outrage.

I went in there feeling I was losing it, that there was something seriously wrong with me, that the disorder was progressing— instead, I go to be told I’m sane, and that it’s not my disorder what’s harming me, but rather the context I currently live in.

Fast forward to my parents coming up for a visit, then going to Sta. Maria for the weekend, where there was a very specific incident where my aunt and my dad ganged up on me over something stupid.

I had asked why we were being deprived of very basic experiences, when we needed them to survive, and develop into fully grown adults. The fact that they insisted on spoon feeding everything to us and ‘saving us from needless suffering’ was harmful.

So this inadvertent attack I seemed to give to their parenting techniques turned into a lecture on how I’m wrong, and there’s something wrong with me, and how I’m never going to be a good psychologist if I keep thinking like that (‘that’, being— refusing in dealing with absolutes such as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, instead, seeing everything as valid, simply convenient, or not convenient to the person), and how I need to see my shrink, because there is no way my manner of thinking is normal.

So we did that for half an hour, until my father pulled the “You need to grow up” card, which of course, is the lowest blow ever aside from ‘You need to stop being so weak.’, and I simply stormed out of the hot tub area, and into my room, to watch Equilibrium.

Then my mother comes in, who, while she might not agree with everything I say, she does respect my opinions, and I end up breaking down, saying how I’m sick of everyone making me feel that I’m insane and there’s something wrong with me, only to go to my shrink and have him remind me they’re the ones living in the 17^th century.

So that fight illustrated the point my doctor was trying to make.

By terminating previous codependent, toxic relationships, I did a lot of good to my emotional health, and gave myself enough room to grow and explore things I wouldn’t have been able to had I not cut those suffocating ties.

The thing being, by doing so, I also got rid of my emotional support system.

That is something I had not considered, let alone realized.

So I got rid of my emotional support system, and went ahead and lived in a hazardous context for a year and a half. I should have cracked over six months ago, but it seems I have enough personal tools and resources to have myself hang in there for a bit.

For a year and a half, I repressed and internalized all those little things, and they’re beginning to affect me now.

So the only real solutions are to remove myself from that context as soon as possible (which I will around mid may), and in the meanwhile, limit my contact with those key triggers.

A lot of things will change mid-may. All glamour will be lost, but it’s not as though as it hadn’t been disintegrating since last semester, given the country’s situation. So the price of that freedom, is basically the high socioeconomic context I currently am an observant-participant part of.

In a way, it’s not that bad. It’s really not my world. It certainly has its perks, but at this point in the game, it’s doing more harm than good, and there’s not enough perks to make up for it there.