Had a 3hr Skype date with D. Very unexpected, seeing as how I’m killing my brain with neuropsych for the upcoming tests, and it’s not something I could afford time-wise.

Classes like these kill me, because they’re not my strongpoint, and so I have to go out of my way to do good in them. That means flashcards, other methods of memorization, aside from bashing my head with the book. This is why I have no life.

Been thinking of little red flags I’ve been catching glimpses of lately. Little things holding me back in specific areas of life, mainly in terms of attachments.

Been working on my ‘User Manual’, and my talk with D helped point some things out to me about my person. I love how there’s a no-bullshit policy with us, and just how we give each other space yet remain close at the same time.

He might not approve of half the things I do, and in his own words, might take ‘the attitude of a parent who doesn’t know what to do with the child’, but he never crosses boundaries.

He actually said he appreciated how ‘unclingy’ I was. That came as a shock, considering I do consider myself a clingy person. Maybe it’s one of those things I make such a point to project otherwise, that I don’t notice it’s all they see.

Quite honestly, the guy has seen me through every single thing, so it’s not like I limit myself with him. From my first break-up crisis, to the wasted fucking mess that one time we were playing cards and I had way too much to drink.

I also have the blessing of being my full uncensored self with him, the way I am with K, and I love the dynamic I have with both of them, even if it’s psychologically abusive (just kidding).

A plan to go up to NY to visit him came up.

This time for real (this has been going on for 2 years…)

All I have to pay is airfare, and presto.

I’ll add it to my list of travel opportunities.

I’m just being resentful of my current situation, because I’ve grown tired of being forced to wear the leash and muzzle.

The way I grow attached to someone is through constant contact and regular communication. That lays down the foundation, making things very clingy and intense in the beginning, even if I make a point of not succumbing to it.

After some time passes, and the foundation becomes firm, and my place in that person’s life is secured, a bunch of time can pass without any communication and nothing feels different. There needs to be a bit of maintenance done every few months, sometimes half a year, but it’s no big thing. Just a matter of catching up. The foundation is there, solid— no problem. It’s only in the beginning when it’s fickle, and it follows through with NRE symptoms.

I’m currently at a point where I would like to grow attached to someone (no one specific, just ‘some body’), but find it too much of a hassle to do so, and don’t feel I’m at a place where I could go through all the motions and open up.

A recent friend took me by surprise in that regard.

Maybe that’s the only way it can happen— being taken by surprise.

I’ve said it before; the easiest way to my heart is around it, not straight through it.

If things are right up in my face, I’ll be too skeptical to do anything, thinking in terms of ‘well, will this person be worth the potential hurt, or not?’.

Thing is, I can’t really make a decision, when I haven’t even given them a chance.

It’s all done out of instinct.

You get your hand burned on the stove enough times, it becomes instinct to be wary of it.

No one wants to get hurt, but if you’re going to close yourself off just because of the possibility, then what’s the point.

I’ve deliberately jumped into things, knowing full well they would bite me in the ass in the end— made the conscious choice of opening the door to the whirlwind and let myself be consumed by it.

The potential is there.

The phobia is there as well.

It’s simply of getting to the root of the phobia, accepting it, and moving on.