How to Deal with an Unhappy Claw

For the sake of hyperbole, I spend 354 days of the year in control. What that means, is that I keep my emotions in constant check. I deal with episodes in a rational manner, applying restraint, and rarely succumbing to them, unless I see it more practical just to get them out of the way, in which case I do, still with a tight grasp on how much I let myself go.

The example I use is always that of a container filling up. Every little thing adds up like a like a little droplet of water until the container is full, and the last tiny little drop, regardless of how completely pointless and inconsequential it is, will trigger an emotional crisis that can only be dealt with by being acknowledged and addressed.

During this type of crisis, my speech remains rational and coherent, despite everything unraveling into freaking chaos. The only irrational thing, are my emotions.

The combination of the two results in my having a perfectly rational and coherent conversation, vocalizing subtext, clarifying, summarizing, and concretizing abstract concepts for the sake of better understanding, all while having a crying fit of hysterics.

The crying part is what scares people, and triggers in them the human reaction of panic.

This ‘Oh fuck, she’s crying… what the hell am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to react?’

The great part, is that you don’t have to do anything!

I am so freaking aware of my wants and needs, that I will guide you through the process before the conversation even begins.

I will approach you in a relatively calm manner, a kink or two in my voice, implying a bit of urgency and importance in the matter, but all in all, it’s very calm.

I will address you, ask you if you can spare a moment or two just to vent, and if you say it’s ok, I’ll be very clear about what I need.

All I need, is you to listen.

Seriously. That’s it.

Just listen to me rant and rail, throw my fit of hysterics, and not say anything.

You don’t have to worry about empathizing, about displays of physical affection, about having the right thing to say.

All you have to do is listen.

Once I’m done having my ‘it’s the end of the world’ crisis, where I ramble off about the little things, we will get into discussing subtext.

My freak out wasn’t about the fact that my computer died and I couldn’t turn in a homework worth 30% of my grade.

That is very important. That meaningless little thing, was simply the trigger. It’s essentially irrelevant. What matters is what’s behind that trigger. That is, the underlying cause for the crisis.

Want to know another awesome thing? You don’t even have to bother thinking about it.

I already know the underlying cause! I just needed to vent.

And so once we’re done analyzing subtext and underlying causes, all I need you to do, is remind me of the bigger picture.

Intellectually, I know it’s not the end of the world. I know my crisis will end in 2 minutes. I know I’ve been through this a thousand times, and that it’ll go away. Intellectually, I know it’s stupid.

That doesn’t mean that the fact that I feel the world is crumbling over my shoulders is any less valid. It doesn’t mean the feeling is any less real, and it doesn’t mean that its effects on my behavior are any less real.

Just hang on, we’re almost done.

Even though I know all these things, I can’t see them.

And so, I need verbal reassurance:

- Keep in mind it’s only 30% of the grade. Worst that could happen is you have to re-do the class, and that doesn’t matter either.
- It’s just one assignment. You’ll do a better job in other ones.
-Just 3 more years before you finish with the career, then freedom!
-This doesn’t reflect the effort you put into things, you’re just not having a good day.
-No point in dwelling over it, if there’s nothing that can be done, let’s just watch a movie.

Once I start grasping the bigger picture, things will cease to be blown out of proportion. Things will begin to make sense. And once I’ve reached that point, I’ll be fine.

The whole process, if done properly, takes less than 20 minutes, depending on the bitching time.

Those breakdowns are escape valves.

Some people go to the gym, some people do whatever, I need to have a breakdown to cleanse with everything that has been piling up for the last few months.

This next section is extremely important—

Things NOT to say, while Claw’s having a breakdown

-Never tell me to calm down/relax/chill/get a hold of it.

-Never tell me I need to be ‘more mature’ or ‘in control’ or ‘be more rational’. I do that 364 days of the fucking year. I’m allowed 1 day of vulnerability.

- For the love of god, don’t ever tell me I’m ‘weak’ or not to ‘let it beat me’, or in any way suggest that choosing to go through a crisis is in any way negative, or not appropriate, or invalid, and suggest I just ‘suck it up’.

-Never tell me ‘we’ll talk when you’re more calm’. The point is to cleanse through crying. If I talk to you once I’m calm, there’s nothing to talk about. I’m calm. I’ve already dealt with it.

Doing any of those things is like pushing a little red button that will turn my lashing out at the general area around you, to lashing out directly at your person. And you don’t want that. I’ll feel worse, and you’ll get chewed out, and we’ll both be unhappy.

So just to recap, the way you deal with an unhappy Claw is:

1. 1. Listen
2. 2. Remind me of the bigger picture
3. 3. Don’t push the red button.

I don’t need you to fix me or tell me what to do, or give me advice.

If I do, I will ask you for it.