I can take a lot of teasing. I mean a whole fucking lot, but when I’ve reached my limit, and people don’t cut it the fuck out, I end up lashing out.

I have no idea what the fuck happened today in class, but starting off the week lashing out in class and having a crying fit afterwards, isn’t my idea of a.) a good week, and b.) emotional stability.

It all began with an exercise that involved the use of the word ‘dream’. I had a personal objection to the word, because in the context of the document, I couldn’t take it seriously. I referred to ‘objective’ or ‘project’, but they insisted on dream.

So I tried to clarify my objections, I admit, maybe a bit too intensely, because of the amount of weight that word carried for me.

I do admit I made everyone dwell on it for more than It deserved considering it was an objection based on a psychological issue; a matter or relativity and subjectivity as to the definition of the word.

So there was, admittedly, a bit of tension, so I simply let everyone carry on, while I just listened, trying to figure out why certain words make me tick so terribly.

We do the dynamic, whatever, things end, it’s the end of class, the person in charge of grading in my team grades people, but all throughout the fucking class, little comments were being made about how we spent too much time discussing something that essentially didn’t mean anything, and that that was why the dynamic failed and just all this crap.

So many people started to bitch about that quasi-jokingly. At first I laughed with them in agreement. It had been silly, and personal, and subjective.

But when suddenly everything was being dumped on me, after having been more than pleasant in taking the teasing, I ended up lashing the fuck out.

Which turned into a complete spectacle, because I couldn’t just suck it up and leave. The teacher had to make a fucking example of me, in terms of fucking therapy, making me ‘deal’ with things right there.

I am sorry, but the only man allowed to psychoanalyze me to my face like that is my therapist. And I pay him 80 bucks for the fucking privilege. So of course, after poking at my attachment issues, and trying to dialogue some sort of.. I have no idea what the fuck it was— some fix, or something? I lashed out even more.

So I was shaking, hands trembling, eyes watering, voice cracking.

Then ensued 30 minutes of everyone speaking their minds at me, making me feel like more of a fucking idiot, and as I tried not to burst out crying, I tried to justify and explain, but no one was getting what I was trying to say.

It was the most bizarre thing in this world. No one seemed to understand what I was saying. It made perfect sense in my head, I was sure my word choice was fine, but people kept saying they simply did not understand what it was I was trying to say.

So I would try to summarize, establish context, but apparently I wasn’t making myself clear, so when the teacher tried to end with ‘So what have you learned from this?”, I just said something bitchy, quiting Dorian Gray, and got the fuck out, though not before people tried to ‘soften’ things by ‘thanking me’ for granting them such a ‘rich’ and ‘valuable’ experience.

For the love of Hell. That’s how you know you’re dealing with fucking psychologists— assuming that a pat on the back and a feigned acknowledgement of the qualitative value in anything you might say somehow validates the person.

I’ve been crying far too much these past 3 weeks. I don’t know f it’s because I’m being emotional, or too sensitive, or I’ve just reached my limit.

Either way, it’s unlike me.

4 crying fits in the past month and a half.

Still haven’t been able to get an appointment with the doctor. My mother is insisting and insisting I need to go, because she thinks there’s something wrong with me. Which of course, makes me rebel and not want to go just to prove a point, but I really think I’m going to go against my counter dependence on this one, and do it not because I’m obeying, but because I really do feel there’s something strange.

Fuck. And I used to be so stable.

I’m not looking forward for next class, Monday. Talk about humiliating circumnstances.

And also, curious thing. None of the voices were active at the time. I haven’t heard from them in a while. It’s strange.

What the fuck is this?