Overdue skype date with S. And by overdue, I mean supercalifragilisticallyexpiralidociously fucking overdue.

Caught up, and went over my progress. Apparently I no longer sound like a California valley girl! I sound like a freaking canuck. Which makes sense, given I seem to strictly hang out with Canadians. Apparently I have a type? I didn’t actually notice that until S pointed it out.

Lately I’ve been tempted to reconnect with old friends. There’s the nostalgia as always, and in a way, the wanting to go back to old dynamics because they were comfortable. But then I play scenes in my head, and things simply don’t click. My nostalgic fantasies are based on the premise that I’m the same person I was a couple years ago. They’re based on the premise that they’re the same people they used to be when it was ‘The Good Old Days’.

It all began when I was approached by an old friend and became relatively reacquainted with her. Of course, she’s the first girl’s current primary, so, in the words of Cara in Brideshead Revisited, and paraphrasing D after my conversation with him tonight— tread carefully.

It’s seductive, this idea of falling back into old habits. Seductive enough to flirt with it, not enough to really succumb to it. And both S and D agree it’s not very sensible to dally too much with the potential for reconciliation; that it would be hazardous to my health… and indeed, my doctor agrees. And in essence, I do too. It’s simply nostalgia, as always, and a general distaste for unresolved issues and loose ends.

It seems a recurring thing. It’s like avoiding ex’s at a party, that same instinctive aversion, that gut feeling to stay away for the sake of self preservation after having internalized all the damage inadvertently suffered at their hand, regardless of whether it was intentional, let alone acknowledged or not.

This has been a semester based on exploration in every aspect, seeing what clicks and what doesn’t. The ‘type’ I went for before— emotionally unstable codependents with vampire tendencies and affective disorders, all catering to my caretaker tendencies and messiah complex— no longer work for me.

They’re tempting, as I was telling S, because I’m so familiar with the type, I could have them wrapped around my little finger, and manipulate my way through every little thing, because they’re leaving themselves open to it. The thing being, that implies a dynamic where strict D/s roles in a non-BDSM context apply. And I’m done with that.

I’m a switch. I don’t do fixed settings. The dynamic I have with my latest friend seemed to click in all the right places, giving me an idea of what works for me at this moment in time. And it’s great, it’s actually very healthy. More and more, I find myself in healthy friendships with a comfortable level of attachment.

I’ve taken a very sober attitude about everything, which people assume ‘sucks the life’ out of things, this apparent cynicism, but what I’ve noticed is that this frame of reference intensifies the degree to which I feel things, making me live in the moment, which is something I’ve been wanting to do since forever.

I’m feeling very good about things. And talking to D tonight as well, we touched on the topic of feeling out of place in our current context. Talking to S and D reminded me what it’s like to have LDRs with friends. Something I had missed out on due to school. It reminded me of what it feels like to be understood, despite differing opinions. It was a welcomed breath of fresh air.

S and I got into the topic of whether or not my degree will be valid internationally. I have no clue, but I certainly hope so! Mainly because I know for a fact, I can’t very well do my private practice where I live. I’m leaning towards either Seattle, or Canada. I’m doing the kink-friendly therapist thing, so I kind of need a community that is not underground, or as stigmatized and vaguely scattered as there is here. I’m generally reluctant to pursue anything here, simply because of the cultural context and the gender-biased implications. Which I do realize are a prejudice in itself, I simply have… bad experiences in this particular context and would feel too inhibited to practice freely.

So I’m doing either Canada or Seattle. I’m doing my exchange for the semester in Canada, since they don’t have anything in Seattle. Just a matter of choosing where.

I’ve been relatively pro-active about the move in May, considering everyone leaves everything to the last minute. Been looking online at prices for houses and apartments. I lean towards renting a 3 bedroom house, considering my brother will be moving in the year after.

There’s a place right behind my school I’m interested in. Then there’s a potential place to work at near the school as well, just a couple bus rides away. I’m beginning work as soon as school ends, testing the waters to see if it’s something I can handle working and going to classes.

Things are looking good.