Two quick realizations today:

1. If I’m going to get upset every time a triggering person, continually pushes that Little Red Button, whether they do it purposefully, or with my best intentions in mind, essentially, the only person affected by it, is me.

All they get, is the chewing out that lasts five seconds. I’m the one dealing with the emotional backlash for the next 48 hours. So I’m just going to have to detach, and treat those remarks, the way I would if they came from someone I didn’t care of.

The only reason they affect me, is because they come from someone close to me. I know what they say isn’t accurate, am keenly aware and confident in how wrong those statements are, but it’s the fact that they belittle my efforts, judging my whole person by those 5 seconds of necessary weakness, compared to a lifetime of making a point to of going against those notions, what pisses the ever living fuck out of me.

It’s essentially helplessness, being so conscious of the fact that I can’t have control over the situation, and I’m being scrutinized for it.

I’m over the overall humiliation of the thing. I no longer have a problem with that, understanding the necessity in it, and thus, willingly choosing to go through it, rather than repress it.

No, what pisses the fuck out of me, is that, yeah, I have no control, yeah, I accept it, yeah, I have no problem with it, I’m dealing with it… then I’m faced with negative comments from the people closest to me, because apparently I’m supposed to be some kind of robot, constantly calibrating and regulating my emotions and keeping rational every minute of every hour of every day.

So then I get this reaction of—‘No, fuck you, I need this. It’s healthy. I don’t care about the negative connotations a moment of weakness and irrationality might have, contrary to popular belief, last time I checked I was still human, and I’m still driven by that 25/75 ratio of rationality vs. irrationality in the human brain.

It doesn’t change the fact that I’m fucking stable 95% of the time. At least I’m conscious of what I need to regain clarity, and don’t go around fucking projecting and lashing out, not knowing what’s going on. So fuck you, and your social prejudices, and erroneous ways of seeing things.’

So yes. Gonna work on that.

2. The second thing has to do with just something I’ve been noticing in certain people. There’s this quote about how life is what happens when you’re so busy making plans.

I’m the planning type. I get stuck in making plans, and not carrying them out, as if the act of planning, is as good as having done it. You’ve gone through the psychological process, fantasized, satisfied the basic craving. Still, it’s seldom ever carried into action.

I’ve actually been very good about acting, instead of thinking in regards to a lot of things, so now I’m just taking it to a different level, or applying it to different areas in life.

So this next semester, when the leash is finally lengthened, I’ll kick that baby into overdrive. While we’re still active, let’s misbehave!

On the more immediate to-do list
- Look for an apartment for the summer
- Plot out the logistics of the thing
- Look for a job
- Decide whether I’ll be taking any summer classes, or if I’ll focus on saving up some cash.