With a Sense of Poise and Rationality

Sunday, March 27, 2011 || 12:49 PM

Yesterday I realized how terrified I am of being put on a permanent leash. I mean, I’ve always known it, but only yesterday did I realize the extent of that aversion.

Had to babysit for the weekend, canceling all plans to take a weekend off from having to deal with the family. We went to one of my cousin’s relative’s first communion, while everyone left to PV.

Would have been nice to be asked whether or not I wanted to go as well, not for the sake of the wedding they’d be attending, but because my mother fell seriously ill only a couple days prior. Still, can’t expect everyone to think of being polite or considerate on the same terms.

Drama ensued profusely, none involving me thank goodness. Well, only a little bit involving me toward the end.

Dealing with that side of my uncle’s family is always stressful, because I’m an outsider. I don’t share their same social circle, their same socioeconomic status. The only link I have is my uncle and their family, so when they’re around, it’s ok.

This time however, it was just my little cousin and myself. Sweet Jesus, was that stressful. I was expecting to be eaten alive in there.

It was nerve wrecking freaking out over every single little detail in terms of dress and posture and proper etiquette. It was a High Protocol thing for us outsiders, since everyone already belonging to the circle could be as vulgar as they pleased and it wasn’t in bad taste, because their sense of ‘class’ and membership to the circle didn’t really have to be proved.

The funny thing about interacting with that specific circle, is that no one knows who I am. I mean, not really. They know me as my mother’s daughter, my uncle’s godchild/niece, but not really who I am. It’s a funny feeling.

And it really says something about my mother and the good impression she left in that family. Everyone had lovely things to say about her, and told me to send their regards, and said she was very beautiful and that I looked just like her (which I still don’t see).

My little cousin and I were talking to one of her cousins, who is also a pretty hot bastard about going to a Rammstein concert. For whatever reason, his girlfriend refused to join him, so we said we’d dress up and everything.

At one point I was left alone with this lovely lady who was just very fun and whom I could talk to freely, and the lady who organized the lunch sat next to me, engaging in a conversation that more or less looked like this:

Her: You’re Claudia’s daughter, my brother’s niece.

Me: Yes, yes I am.

Her: -she sits down, leaning in, looking at me, then at the other lady- I’ve always thought you were very pretty. You have a lovely nose and features— Isn’t she a pretty girl?

Me: ……You’re very sweet, thank you –really embarrassed-

She asked me my age, and I understood something along the lines of needing to marry me off. At this point she was whispering about with the other lady, and I could barely hear what they were saying, so I was just nodding my head, being agreeable, until she said ‘So what do you think?’, to which I replied ‘Sure, why not?’.

I had no idea what the heck I was saying yes to. I thought they were planning on setting me up and playing matchmakers with someone.

Suddenly she asks what I think about her son, meaning my cousin’s cousin who’s also a hot bastard. I said that he was handsome, and that yes, I liked him, he seemed like a nice guy.

I didn’t realize I was digging my self into a hole, but it wasn’t like I could say ‘No, he does not interest me, not my type’. This woman would have killed me, being the castrating dominant woman she is.

So I’m asked about marrying, and I just give vague, non-committing answers, trusting he’s already got a girlfriend.

Well, ends up being the lady does not like her, and she sees me as being better for her son.

Sweet baby Jesus.

All day, and I do mean all day, since we were there from 2-10pm, she kept coming up to me, asking other people ‘Don’t you think she’s pretty? I think she’s very pretty. We’re marrying her off to my son’, then telling me how she’s going to teach me to dress up (I was mildly insulted, because I looked gorgeous in that dress, and my makeup was beautiful) and how to win her son over; that she would be inviting me to her house, along with my little cousin, and that she would take care of everything.

Then she, my little cousin, and the other lady started planning the wedding, and I just gave that awkward laugh I always give when I’m uncomfortable.

I mean, the situation was hilarious, it was just… humiliating. Especially when the lady told her son, right in front of me, that I thought he was hot.

Then she made me go with him, the girlfriend and the rest of the kids to ‘steal him away from her’ because ‘everything’s fair in love and war’.

It was pretty damn funny.

Amusing anecdote aside, I started musing over a bunch of things.

See, if I was a social climbing middle-class girl seeking to be a kept/made woman, that would have been the perfect offer. Joining that family means no financial worries, means joining the rest of their ranks, and living a live of traveling and easy-living (considering this guy’s a surfer).

What would be the price? A meddling in-law controlling me like a puppet, my life revolving around the guy’s life and his plans, potential children, and in essence, giving up my freedom. I would be giving up my freedom in exchange for financial stability and a worry-free life.

I would be miserable. Considering how even more repressed I would be in that context.

I’m too set on my own plans and living my own life to tie myself up to someone else. If someone wants to join me along for the ride, they’re welcome. The moment they want me to go out of my way to fit their own, that’s when we start having trouble.

I thought I had issues about the subject, but it’s not so much issues as it is an instinctual aversion. I’ve talked to enough married women to know it’s not what I want for myself.

Still, the situation was kind of really funny.