With a Sense of Poise and Rationality

"Let's just say I was testing the bounds of reality. I was curious to see what would happen. That's all it was: curiosity.”—Jim Morrison

The ever so mundane ramblings and musings, perhaps the pointless rantings and railings of an existential little nymphet in a constant state of change and transformation, for the sake of hedonism and self-awareness.

"Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to." — Dorian Gray

"The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom. Prudence is a rich ugly old maid courted by Incapacity. He who desires but acts not, breeds pestilence."— The Marriage of Heaven and Hell

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With a Sense of Poise and Rationality

Sunday, April 17, 2011 || 6:22 PM

Life has been really hectic, and I haven’t been feeling too well. I admit I’ve been forgetting to take my medication, to eat properly, to sleep properly and to exercise in an adequate manner.

Basically, there has been a lot of failing in life going on.

And to be honest, I’m pretty much done with everything right now. I’m at that point where I’m just going through the week, waiting for things to be over because I’m just so sick of everything.

We went clubbing one night, which gave me that rush of enthusiasm again, but it burnt our very quickly. Then we had a wedding just last night, where it was around 6 hours of dancing, and boy did I dance, but the rush didn’t even last ‘till this morning.

I’m going to take a blind stab in the dark and say this is a mild depressive episode. Nothing interests me anymore, I’m detaching from everyone, I just want to sleep, I can’t focus on anything, and generally don’t give a damn about anyone or anything. I’m so self-absorbed in just how not well I’m feeling, I’m neglecting everything I know if I were in my right mind, I would not be neglecting.

The good thing is, that I’m not just sleeping the week away, finding no motivation to get up in the mornings, and just laying there, waiting for things to get better; I am making a bit of an effort.

Still, it’s difficult when I lack every ounce of motivation I once had. I tell myself to be motivated, but there’s no emotional weight to the words. They’re just empty things with no meaning.

All I can really do is take my meds, and keep pushing myself to pull things together.

I’m behind on a bunch of school related things due to this rut, but we’re getting to that time of the semester where I can’t afford to let myself just wait it out.

So this week I’ll be kicking my ass back into shape in that regard, and do with the million other non-school related errands I have to tend to.

I kind of just want to sleep the week away. But I know that I can’t. So hurray for conflicting messages coming from my brain.