With a Sense of Poise and Rationality

"Let's just say I was testing the bounds of reality. I was curious to see what would happen. That's all it was: curiosity.”—Jim Morrison

The ever so mundane ramblings and musings, perhaps the pointless rantings and railings of an existential little nymphet in a constant state of change and transformation, for the sake of hedonism and self-awareness.

"Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to." — Dorian Gray

"The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom. Prudence is a rich ugly old maid courted by Incapacity. He who desires but acts not, breeds pestilence."— The Marriage of Heaven and Hell

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With a Sense of Poise and Rationality

Monday, April 18, 2011 || 11:29 PM

Still pissed off that I somehow missed on the fact that I’ve been depressed a while and didn’t take notice of it, let alone took charge of the situation and corrected it, but what are you going to do? Sometimes you drop the ball— time to do some damage control.

I’m home, and I don’t want to go out, don’t want to see anyone, I’ve spent the last two days locked up in my room. Doing relatively productive things thay have nothing to do with the things I’m supposed to be catching up on, but still, at least I’m not sleeping the days away.

Tomorrow I’m forcing myself to go to N’s, probably seeing V on Wednesday, then forcing myself to go out dancing with my lesbian gal pals on Thursday, and probably just spending the day at home on Friday before I leave Saturday morning.

Somewhere in between there I should kick myself into finishing the assignments I put off because I was waiting for mania to kick in like it usually does, except… it didn’t, so now I’m screwed either way.

Essentially I don’t care anymore. I’ll either get it done, or I won’t.

There’s been a lot of discussion about future plans, the kind of frustrating discussion that ends in my father and I arguing and going at each other’s throats.

The best part is when he compares me to my cousins. He’s compared me to them all my life. When I was a child, I was never as good as them, as obedient as them, as smart as them, as extroverted as them, just generally as wonderfully magnificent as them.

Now he compares me to them in terms of how ‘spoiled’ I am, and how I don’t know how to look after myself in terms of cooking and cleaning.

Which essentially pissed the ever living fuck out of me, because I spent a fucking year doing that. And so when he explicitly says ‘Oh, you never did those things in California’ And my mother is trying to appease both of us by saying “Be quiet, you’re offending the girl.” And “Don’t listen to him, I’ve seen you look after yourself.” I end up lashing the fuck out, because I wasn’t aware he was living with me in Cali to witness this general lack of survival skills.

So then I started to wonder why I care so much, why it pisses me off to that extent.

And it all comes down to how I’ll never be good enough for him in anything. It doesn’t matter how much I try to prove how competent I am at anything I do, it’s never enough for him.

Then I started asking myself ‘Well, why the fuck am I judging my accomplishments by his standards? Who gives a fuck about whether or not he validates him, let alone acknowledges them? I’m not doing any of it for him. I’m judging my accomplishments by my fucking standards, because the only person I either impress or disappoint, and the only person whose opinion matters to me is my own’

And here is where my counter-dependence kicks in.