With a Sense of Poise and Rationality

"Let's just say I was testing the bounds of reality. I was curious to see what would happen. That's all it was: curiosity.”—Jim Morrison

The ever so mundane ramblings and musings, perhaps the pointless rantings and railings of an existential little nymphet in a constant state of change and transformation, for the sake of hedonism and self-awareness.

"Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to." — Dorian Gray

"The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom. Prudence is a rich ugly old maid courted by Incapacity. He who desires but acts not, breeds pestilence."— The Marriage of Heaven and Hell

Template by Elle @ satellit-e.bs.com
Banners: reviviscent
Others: (1 | 2)

With a Sense of Poise and Rationality

Friday, June 3, 2011 || 12:22 PM

Almost out of the hole. This time I’m not forcing myself out of it, since that just exhausts me and frustrates me even more, I’m just going with it, through it, and trusting it’ll eventually be over.

I’ve been retracting from everyone and every thing, and just falling into that.; neglecting friends and loved ones not out of a lack of interest, rather from an aversion to passing this bad mood onto someone else.

Past lovers did it to me, I recall doing it as well and driving her crazy, and it’s never pretty. You can’t just soak all of that up, internalize it, and not know how to let it go.

It’s the most frustrating thing in the world having someone you care about dump all their issues on you, and feeling the desperate need to fix them for them (even if they never asked you, and it’s not even the expectation they had to begin with).

So I’m just dealing with things my self, not out of vanity, not out of some prideful ego taking over, simply because for the moment, it’s something I can actually handle. If I need help processing things, I ask for it. Pretty much done with the whole ridiculous self-sufficient pride bit.

I recall someone saying, I can’t actually remember who of my friends, but they said something along the lines that sometimes they just get sad out of nowhere, but it’s just there, and so they’d just sit there in their sadness and let if flow through, and that was it.

I recall they just said it in passing, but something about it just clicked.

So that’s what I’m doing. It’s not painful enough for me to seek to verbally vent it out on a caring shoulder (or ear), it’s not even painful enough for me to rant elaborately about it to get it out of my system— it’s just a feeling. Not really caused by anything, just backlash from the last breakdown.

Things are looking good though.

We found a house, we’ll be moving in in a month, and it’s back to drinking tea and eating soup out of marmalade jars, and drinking cheap wine out of teacups. Seriously. I’m talking worst than having a ‘student’ apartment. We’re probably going to be sleeping in sleeping bags, which I just find hysterical.

It’s going to be great.