With a Sense of Poise and Rationality

"Let's just say I was testing the bounds of reality. I was curious to see what would happen. That's all it was: curiosity.”—Jim Morrison

The ever so mundane ramblings and musings, perhaps the pointless rantings and railings of an existential little nymphet in a constant state of change and transformation, for the sake of hedonism and self-awareness.

"Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to." — Dorian Gray

"The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom. Prudence is a rich ugly old maid courted by Incapacity. He who desires but acts not, breeds pestilence."— The Marriage of Heaven and Hell

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With a Sense of Poise and Rationality

Wednesday, June 1, 2011 || 12:17 AM

The semester’s over, and… well, it was interesting. I can’t really wrap my mind around it.

I’ve noticed I fall into using the word ‘interesting’ when I’m in a state of cautious pause about something— like taking in a deep breath to say something, then holding it because there’s not really anything to follow, no real words to describe it. It’s neither good, nor bad, it’s just interesting.

I learned a ridiculous amount of things about myself I wouldn’t have realized otherwise, and got a good taste of the things I’ll be looking for in five years, so I'm looking forward to that.

It wasn’t the manic whirlwind it was last semester with the parties and the dinners and the manic sadism and the night-club stories, but it was a good semester, characterized by change and a general period of refraction.

I noticed a real shift in personality. I seem to be taking a break from developing any emotional attachments, just really sinking in to being an introvert, sort of detaching and isolating myself not out of preference, but out of genuine need. It’s pretty bizarre, but I don't really mind it.

It’s kind of funny, but growing apart from the three people that meant the most to me in such a rapid succession just has me really jaded. Not in any way cynical, just very jaded in this ‘Wow, those relationships were great, but I really need a break from people now.’

I’m amused there’s sill some backlash there. There’s a dissonance between the way I’m intellectually over it, yet the emotional side, while also over it, is just taking a bit longer to catch its breath.

Just not in the mood for anything that’s not light or fun or casual, all I crave is just this fun, light, ridiculous bout of silliness, which my friends are more than experts at providing, and I love them for it.

I’m moving out of my aunt’s house into a little place behind my school. My doctor said that I can’t afford any more breakdowns if I don’t want them to become more frequent or more intense, so I have to change my lifestyle considerably. So no more Jules Mayfair way of living, except maybe in some areas. Which is just in time, really, since my cousins live at Jules' pace, so I constantly had to keep up. Now I can just chill for a while.

I’m getting a kitty, too, since pets help with depression and apparently their purring has some sort of healing quality. I found a Russian Blue breeder in the city, so I’ll be getting one when I move in there. Russian Blues have pretty much my personality type (and they’re gorgeous), so it’s a good match. It’s also the cat Sam or Cass keep at the house, so I’m going to get a male and name him Cassian just to piss Cass off, because I love him (read: like to annoy him).

I’m good. I’m content, emotionally numb with a proclivity towards melancholy, and lacking the motivation I’d like to have, but just generally content and looking forward to what’s up next on the road.

Moodswings are moodswings, so I’ve learned not to take them too seriously.